The Weight of Apologies: When Saying Sorry Becomes More Than Politeness
Last week, in a busy Bangkok co-working space, a woman reached past my elbow to retrieve her laptop bag from the floor. She apologized. Then, almost immediately, she apologized again — for having apologized in the first place. Watching that second “sorry” land, I thought to myself: there it is. This moment encapsulates a widespread phenomenon many of us witness but rarely unpack.
For those raised in cultures that prize politeness, saying “sorry” often signals humility—a gentle acknowledgment of one’s presence or minor missteps. But humility, in its truest sense, is about understanding your place, not constantly apologizing for existing. What many people express through frequent apologies isn’t humility but an internalized ledger, a tally of perceived debts to the space they occupy.
When Sorry Stops Being a Word
A genuine apology accomplishes something meaningful. It identifies the specific harm caused, takes responsibility, and offers restitution or a corrective action. Properly made, three or four sincere apologies a year can sustain healthy relationships. However, the reflexive, habitual “sorry” often lacks substance. Phrases like “Sorry, is this seat taken?” or “Sorry, my invoice might be slightly overdue, no rush,” dilute the word’s impact. After the fortieth repetition, “sorry” becomes a mere throat-clearing noise, leaving us ill-equipped when a serious apology is truly needed.
Research on apology frequency is surprisingly sparse and often misinterpreted. A frequently cited 2010 diary study by Karina Schumann and Michael Ross found that women reported apologizing more than men, but also noticed themselves committing more offenses. Both genders apologized at similar rates relative to offenses committed; the key difference lay in women having a lower threshold for noticing offenses requiring apology. While the study’s sample was limited to undergraduates and did not explore compulsive apologizing, the concept of a lowered detection threshold for harm is useful for understanding chronic apologizers.
Where the Apology Setting Gets Dialled
Parental Conditional Regard and Its Impact
Psychologists describe a form of affection known as parental conditional regard, where a child learns that parental warmth is contingent upon meeting certain standards. A landmark 2004 study by Avi Assor, Guy Roth, and Edward Deci explored this concept, revealing that college students who experienced conditional regard reported feelings of internal compulsion, fluctuating self-esteem, disapproval, and resentment toward their parents.
Building on this, a 2023 meta-analysis consolidated findings from two decades of research, linking conditional regard to higher anxiety levels, diminished self-esteem, perfectionism, emotional regulation difficulties, and insecure attachment. While these studies rely largely on adult recollections—a notoriously subjective source—they suggest a connection between upbringing and adult patterns of over-apologizing.
Drawing from personal experience, I was sent from Manila to boarding school in Australia at a formative age, grappling with belonging and worth. There, I learned that being tolerated and being wanted are distinct, and that effort might bridge this gap. It wasn’t until my thirties that I recognized I was still metaphorically paying installments on that early lesson.
Sorry as a White Flag
Paul Gilbert’s research into social rank offers another lens. His studies show that when humans feel low in social hierarchy, they tend to exhibit submissive behaviors aimed at appeasement. In one study, feelings of shame, social anxiety, and depression were closely tied to perceived inferiority and submissiveness, although guilt did not show the same pattern. These findings have been reinforced in systematic reviews, illustrating how chronic apologizing can function as a social white flag—an appeasement signal to avoid conflict or rejection.
In less clinical terms, this behavior is sometimes labeled “fawning,” a term popularized by therapist Pete Walker. While not formally diagnostic, it describes the tendency to over-apologize as a preemptive gesture of non-threat. Essentially, a constant “sorry” becomes a way to diffuse potential social tension before it even arises.
What Actually Shifts the Pattern
Telling someone to “stop apologizing so much” rarely helps. Instead, change comes through small, practical adjustments:
- Swap “sorry” for “thanks.” For example, “Sorry I’m late” becomes “Thanks for waiting.” The message remains, but without self-deprecation, offering the other person a positive exchange instead of guilt.
- Delete pre-apologies. Phrases like “Sorry to bother you” or “Sorry if this is a stupid question” can be cut. Asking straightforwardly doesn’t reduce response rates; in fact, it can streamline communication.
- Reserve “sorry” for actual damage. If you genuinely cause harm, like stepping on someone’s foot, apologize sincerely once and then move on.
- Pause before apologizing. Many reflexive apologies fill silences we assume belong to us. Counting to three before speaking often reveals the silence is neutral, not accusatory.
- Track apologies for a week. Keeping tally marks in your phone without judgment can provide a clearer picture of your apology habits, grounding feelings in data.
Some Sorries Are Just Grammar
A note of caution: in some dialects, frequent “sorry” usage doesn’t indicate insecurity but functions as polite filler. For example, in London, “sorry” is used dozens of times daily to mean “excuse me,” “pardon,” or even as a greeting. I once apologized to a lamppost. Similarly, Bangkok and Manila have their own linguistic conventions where “sorry” carries different social meanings.
Therefore, the frequency of apologies alone isn’t diagnostic. The true indicator is how it feels when you attempt to stop reflexive apologizing. If it feels merely rude, you are likely navigating local dialect norms. However, if it feels unsafe or like a structural part of your social interactions is missing, this might indicate deeper issues worth exploring with a qualified professional.
For more insights on this topic, read Here.
