How Parental Approval Influences Young People’s Behavior
Parental approval can influence a young person’s behavior remarkably quickly. While research does not support the notion that a single disappointed look can erase a child’s identity, it does highlight the risks of repeatedly linking warmth and affection to performance. Such conditional approval can shift a child’s motivation away from personal choice and toward external pressure, which can have lasting psychological impacts.
Contrary to some common assumptions, the foundational research on this topic did not originate solely from Edward Deci and Richard Ryan in 1994. A pivotal 2004 study by Avi Assor, Guy Roth, and Deci, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, articulated a more nuanced understanding of parental conditional regard. Their findings revealed that while conditional approval could encourage desired behaviors, it was also linked to internal compulsion, resentment, fluctuating self-esteem, and perceived parental disapproval.
The Experiment that Laid the Groundwork
Deci’s exploration of motivation began well before its application to parenting. In a landmark 1971 study, Deci conducted two laboratory experiments and one field experiment to observe what happens when external rewards are introduced for activities previously done without compensation.
His findings showed that monetary rewards tend to diminish intrinsic motivation once the reward is removed. In contrast, verbal encouragement and positive feedback had a different, often more positive effect. Importantly, the research clarified that not all rewards undermine interest—only those perceived as controlling can alter a person’s internal reasons for engaging in an activity.
From Rewards to Relationships: Self-Determination Theory
Building on these early insights, Deci and Ryan developed self-determination theory (SDT), which centers on three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
Autonomy refers to feeling that one’s actions are self-chosen rather than imposed. Competence involves feeling capable and effective in one’s activities, while relatedness captures the sense of meaningful connection to others. Parenting becomes particularly influential when children perceive that relational connection is contingent upon meeting specific expectations rather than unconditional support.
Understanding Parental Conditional Regard
Parental conditional regard occurs when a parent’s affection, attention, or approval is contingent upon whether the child meets certain expectations. This can manifest negatively, such as withdrawing warmth after a disappointing outcome, or positively, by offering noticeably greater warmth following success.
The 2004 study evaluated multiple domains, including academic achievement, emotional regulation, prosocial behavior, and sports involvement. Results consistently showed that while conditional regard increased the frequency of desired behaviors, these behaviors were often driven by internal pressure rather than a freely chosen, personally meaningful motivation.
Further Insights from Adolescent Studies
Richard Ryan collaborated on a subsequent 2009 investigation with Guy Roth, Avi Assor, Christopher Niemiec, and Deci that focused on ninth-grade Israeli adolescents. This research compared the effects of conditional positive regard, conditional negative regard, and autonomy-supportive parenting styles.
Conditional negative regard correlated with resentment, difficulties in managing negative emotions, and disengagement from academic pursuits. Conditional positive regard was associated with internal compulsion and emotional suppression, with engagement often centered on grades rather than genuine interest. In contrast, autonomy-supportive parenting was linked to a stronger sense of choice and engagement driven by intrinsic interest.
What the Research Does and Does Not Show
These findings affirm that children can become adept at identifying actions that will secure parental approval. However, this does not imply that children permanently lose access to their personal preferences or internal moral compass. Nor does it suggest that all adults who struggle with decision-making experienced conditional affection during childhood.
Adults who frequently prioritize others’ expectations over their own may recognize patterns explored in this research. Yet, such behaviors are not clinical signs and can emerge from various life experiences beyond parental conditional regard.
Why Compliance May Be Mistaken for Success
Behavior influenced by conditional regard can appear successful on the surface. A child might practice longer, suppress negative emotions, focus intensely on grades, or follow a parent’s preferred path. However, the crux lies in motivation: whether these actions are willingly chosen or performed under perceived pressure to earn approval.
A meta-analysis of parental conditional regard further consolidated associations between this parenting style and introjected self-regulation, contingent self-esteem, increased depressive symptoms, and reduced feelings of relatedness. Importantly, conditional negative regard showed stronger links to depressive symptoms than conditional positive regard.
The Balanced Alternative: Autonomy-Supportive Parenting
Autonomy-supportive parenting does not imply a lack of rules or unconditional approval of every decision. Instead, it emphasizes acknowledging the child’s perspective, offering clear explanations for limits, providing meaningful choices when possible, and avoiding the implication that affection depends on compliance.
A 2022 longitudinal study tracking 159 Dutch parent-adolescent families through 100 consecutive daily reports found that parental warmth combined with autonomy support was strongly associated with improved adolescent well-being. While it did not claim to eliminate conflict, the study demonstrated that warmth and choice can coexist with parental involvement and guidance (Nature Scientific Reports, 2022).
No Fixed Timeline for Preference Recovery
Current research does not endorse a fixed intervention timeline during which adults “recover” personal preferences through simple choices like selecting teas, songs, or walking routes. Nor does it suggest a uniform duration for this process.
Instead, self-determination theory broadly posits that environments fostering autonomy, competence, and relatedness are more conducive to the development of autonomous motivation. Conversely, environments dominated by control, pressure, or conditional acceptance tend to undermine this motivation.
Reframing the Legacy of Deci and Ryan
Edward Deci, who passed away in February 2026 at age 83, left an indelible mark on the study of human motivation. Alongside Richard Ryan, he developed self-determination theory over decades, expanding its application across education, workplace dynamics, health, sports, and parenting.
Richard Ryan remains an active scholar and professor emeritus at the University of Rochester, continuing to advance understanding of motivation and well-being.
Their collaborative framework offers a nuanced perspective: conditional approval can indeed produce compliance, but the individual complying may experience the behavior as pressured rather than as a genuine expression of autonomous choice.
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